I’m tired. I’m lying on my bed faced down with nothing on. I feel so heavy yet so light. They emptied my bones of its marrow then made it steel. The bronchus has been stuffed with anvil and the lung is inflamed. It seems like oxygen has never been this polluted. Two sledgehammers, the jousting of knights and horses are pulling the hair out of the scalp. The right breast breathes better than the left one because it thinks that there should be a balance of weight. Blood is going to explode out of the nipples as the diaphragm presses upward. All these… all these are making the muscle stiff. As a matter of fact, the hand doesn’t even want to write.
Questions… they’re just too many. And I have an answer and it doesn’t even qualify as one. I don’t know. When did I start filling my back with clay? And when did I start biting lips? It seems like the aorta pumped more blood than what it was supposed to. Inhaled smog when I didn’t have to while I went making footsteps on quicksand made of concrete. Had reading glasses on but closed my eyes. Got a stake in my heart but I was no vampire. How stupid of me… no, how me.
Eyebrows are stapled on the fore head and it hurts. The chest is being too flexible that it‘s boxing me. My cheeks have died of waiting and anticipation, I feel sorry for them. I am walled by my own reflection and it’s driving more nails. The inflamed lung growls even more. Oh, have I become so prone and vulnerable that my knees are going to crumble…
And then my eyelids covered my vision. They went down to shut me up. There were lines of purple and pills of yellow-red and blue-orange combinations. There were shades of grey too! And then it was all black… just… black, pitch black. The eardrums slowly moved below while the mind has stopped from dreaming. Muscles have reached the optimum level of stiffness. That’s what I feel and don’t feel. The bed is slowly soaked with spilled passion, laughter, grief, delight, tears, suffering, excitement, dreams, voices, images, memories, everything! And all of them are in complete harmony with silence. And now I go to only-God-knows-where and I drift peacefully with the humming of birds and leaves in the sky as the chest finally clears the phlegm out of the esophagus. I’ve never been lighter before, never been so smooth, so swift, so… so… perfect. I’ve never been intangible, so out of shape yet so beautiful. The land gives me one final hug as I look towards the new plateau of only-God-knows-what. The sky gives me a kiss in the forehead then bids me “good-bye”.
Now, I am in rest…finally. The fatigue that every muscle felt has now subsided into a vast hole of nothingness. I am in complete unity with the rocks who did nothing but be hard and the seeds who did nothing but grow. And as I lay in purgatory’s embrace, I know I’ll learn when to wash my hands and when to soil them in dirt. I’ll know when to sink or when to swim, when to fly or when to fall, when to laugh and when to cry, when to run and when to walk, when to get up and when to give up, when to live and when to die… again.
Angels with scabbed wings… pull my feet. Gardeners of the clouds… lift my arms. Stretch me until I become a blanket that will warm the world. And when I moan, kiss me, and when I scream, hug me. But when I close my eyes and expose the spirit of my wings, let me go for that is the time I have decided to cross the fork on the road. That is the time when I’ll lose all my energy that I’ll kneel and give in to the load on the back of my head. It’s the time to feel the molecules around me with my fur and taste my tongue with my tongue.
I have always dried off raindrops that fall in the cheek and I have always stopped them from forming the gorgeous rainbow everybody wants to see. I have always done so many things which made mud hungry so it swallowed me. And all I had to say was her name. God, I wish I drew cherry blossoms on canvass.
I thank you womb.
I thank you flesh.
I thank you blood.
I thank you teeth and gum.
I thank you New York.
I thank you tongue.
I thank the goldfish caught on a frame.
I thank you katana and the tree that carried a bullet.
I thank you snowflake. I thank you very much.
I thank you vagina.
I thank the yellow green color for all the reason the world has to give.
I thank you God.
